Help! I’m having an identity crisis, I want to be so many different personalities, but I end up lost. What can I do?

By Annamarie Altomare © 2023 Anna Talks, LLC

Do you ever battle with things like low self-esteem, depression, or self-hatred? You are not alone! Understanding your identity is key to overcoming the self-destructive behaviors that are holding you back from solid relationships, visions of a clear future, and overall success!

Identity, or “the set of qualities that make a person different from other people,” according to Merriam-Webster Thesaurus, begins to develop in a person by the time they are two years old. This means that your personality, and mine, began before we were even aware of its existence. We never “lose our identity.” On the contrary, our personality is part of us, constantly learning, changing, and being shaped by our individual life experiences, choices, and outside influences. It is impossible to separate your personality from who you are because your personality is made up of the qualities that make you different from others. To separate, or to lose your identity altogether is a lie, just like you cannot separate your shadow from yourself when you are in the sunlight.

To look within yourself to “find” your identity is no easier than a balloon blowing itself up. The air is there, but in order to inflate the balloon, the air has to get inside of it first. How does this happen? You must first intentionally blow air into the balloon and then tie it to keep the air in. God’s Spirit works in this way in each of us, too. If I am the balloon, inflated on air but never tied to secure the air, how long will I stay inflated? If you and I began to develop our personalities, our identities, starting in our toddler years, and we’ve been growing and acquiring knowledge since that time, how did we get de-railed and land in an identity crisis? The answer is simple, but it does require our effort to uncover the truth that has always been there.

“You will rise, remain or fall based on your thoughts.” – Ernest Nightingale 

The answer is that we become what we meditate on, or what we constantly think about. Essentially, when we get an idea from an outside influence, and either accept it as fact and apply it to our lives or we trash it and keep on moving. 

Garbage in, garbage out. 

Whatever the outside influence is, good or bad, you alone get to decide to keep it and apply it, or to trash it. How your identity is molded largely depends on what you are allowing to influence you. As a young child you probably had zero autonomy of what was poured into you by your role models. If you deal with abandonment like I have, then the outside influences that take over the parental role in our lives boils down to what we see in the entertainment industries, including social media, tv, music, movies, music videos, games in apps or video games, the entire virtual world becomes our source, or the outside influence that pours into us. 

It’s interesting, that this morning when I woke up, I was thinking about birthdays and how we look at birthdays as a celebration (for the most part.) Birthdays are a thing that we are happy to be a part of celebrating with a friend, or a spouse, or a parent or child, or even a grandparent. It’s a celebration of the life of the person, for whatever amount of time they are here on earth with us.  

As I was considering birthdays, since I had so recently celebrated mine, I was reminded of a bitter thought:  I am nothing therefore I contribute nothing. 

Have you ever felt this way? 

Do you have thoughts of self-hatred, judging yourself for past failures, and bad decisions? 

Do you find that you sabotage new relationships because deep down you don’t feel worthy of it?

That’s exactly how I felt too. You see, I was born to a nineteen-year-old who was forced into marriage out of wedlock when she was just sixteen years old. Years later, my mother told me that she had considered aborting me, reminding me throughout my childhood that I should have been an abortion. When I was born, I was a week old before I even had a name. When she was still in the hospital after having me, she was watching a sitcom on tv and finally named me after a character in the show. 

My whole life was summarized by this single statement: I am nothing therefore I contribute nothing. 

Do I really want this on my headstone when I die? 

Is this how I want to be remembered, as a nothing? No identity, no sense of belonging, just emptiness?

In searching for my own identity, I didn’t know what I didn’t know. I didn’t know there was a God, or that He loved me. I didn’t know that God is a Father to the fatherless, or that while I ran away from God, He was pursuing me with His love, mercy, and forgiveness. I made a lot of mistakes, bad judgements, and operated as a classic “type A” personality, looking for approval anywhere I could find it, becoming competitive in a very unhealthy way. I had a broken heart, a tattered soul, and no hope. 

In the Bible, the book of Jeremiah, 1:5 says “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you; before you were born, I sanctified you.” (New King James Version) 

Even though my own mother had no intention, no hope for my future, and no joy in my birth, God purposed me. Before I could choose Him, He had already chosen me. He has already chosen you too.

In my new book “Getting Real with God,” I dive into what it’s like to grow up in a godless home, in a volatile environment and about my dad trying to murder me when I was just two years old. Surviving an abusive childhood environment, and how God’s mercy and forgiveness changed my whole life, I also share how I moved from an empty life, depressed, full of self-hatred to a life filled with love, purpose, and God’s mercy. You see, I changed when I changed the outside influences that were pouring into me, or the air that was filling my balloon. Instead of allowing bitter, angry and hateful thoughts run my mind, I learned that there is a choice, an alternative source to what you find in the world. You have the same opportunity to choose the source of air that fills your balloon, Jesus. The Bible says in Romans 3:23 that “all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” You and I, we may be different in personality, gender, nationality, etc., but the color of love is red, and in that, you and I are very much equals. We both have a choice, to continue receiving outside influence from the world, or choosing to receive the love of the Father from the ultimate Source, Jesus. 

Do you ever feel like all things are working against you? Watch for my next blog as I share how to tackle insurmountable odds and still keep your sanity intact. 

Read “Getting Real with God” and experience God’s mercy and forgiveness on a whole new level, today! Thanks for your comments!